Save Your Marriage With A Good Fight

According to a Reader’s Digest article “Eight Marriage Busters,” an attitude of peacekeeping and passive placating could actually be working to destroy your marriage. A “whatever you say, Dear” attitude may keep your home quieter but leaves you in the martyr’s role. You’ll end up angry, defensive, and a drudge.

Arguments are a normal part of any relationship, and can be very healthy, if done correctly. The purpose is to communicate, clear the air, and come to a final understanding and resolution. So remember these steps the next time you find yourself in a marital dispute.

Step 1

Try to deal with issues BEFORE they blow up. Better to deal with problems while they’re still small and you both are still calm. Don’t ignore legitimate issues, only to explode with anger and a long list of grievances after running out of patience.

Step 2

Consider the facts. If something is bothering you enough that you’re willing to argue about it, take the time to step back and look at it objectively. Is it really important enough to get bothered about, or is it something petty? Could it just be part of an innocent personality or style difference? Is it really the other person’s issue, or is there something you can change, too?

Step 3

When speaking to your spouse, explain your viewpoint, but don’t attack. For instance:

Wrong: “You know, it really bugs me when I’m obviously stressed with everything that has to be done, and you don’t lift a finger to help.”

Right: “I’ve realized that when I’m stressed, I sometimes forget to ask for help. Could you remind me?” or “When you see me getting overwhelmed, you could really be my hero by coming over and ask if there’s anything you can do to help. That’s really attractive!”

Don’t forget to reward your mate with thanks and appreciation. They’re far more likely to try to please you when they don’t feel stepped on, ordered around, or taken for granted (and when they know you’re trying to please them, too).

Step 4

LISTEN! Try to understand where the other person is coming from. Don’t assume that you know what they’re thinking, or that they know what you’re thinking. If there’s a possibility you may have misunderstood them, try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Step 5

Stick to the issue at hand. Don’t turn an argument about one problem into a laundry list of everything that is wrong with your relationship. You need to focus on how you can come to an agreement about the specific issue at hand. Again, the purpose of an argument is to communicate and come to an understanding and resolution that both of you can live with.

Step 6

Don’t dredge up the past. What’s done is done. It can’t be changed, and it can’t be fixed. The only reason for throwing it in the face of your spouse is to hurt them. It has no constructive merit. Leave it in the past where it belongs, and focus on what CAN be changed in the future.

Step 7

No name-calling or insulting statements (“You’re such a bum! You can’t do anything right!”). Again, this behavior only causes pain. It solves absolutely nothing, and only makes the other person more defensive and less sympathetic to anything you are trying to communicate. If you want the issue solved, stick to the facts.

Step 8

No cussing. Don’t waste time spewing pointless venom at the other person. It won’t resolve anything, and only damages the relationship further. If you want to preserve your marriage, you have to build it up, not tear it down.

Step 9

Keep your hands to yourself. Never strike another person in anger. It’s inappropriate, disrespectful, abusive, and dangerous. Physical violence reveals a serious character flaw, and a person who has crossed the line once is much more likely to do it again. If your mate ever hits you, leave immediately. One strike is too many.

Step 10

Don’t drag other people into it. Your child, mother-in-law or best friend should not be involved in your marital disputes. Besides being unfair to the person caught in the middle, it’s none of their business. Asking them to take sides has only one purpose: to gang up on the other person and prove that you’re right. It puts your partner on the defensive, and drives a wedge between them and the third party. It doesn’t help to resolve the conflict.

Step 11

Don’t make empty threats. Threatening to divorce or leave just because you’re angry is selfish and unfair. It threatens the other person’s confidence in the relationship, and makes it sound like you’re not willing to work through the issue. If you’re not willing to put in the time and effort, why should they?

Step 12

Ban the words “always” and “never” from the conversation. Not only are they usually an exaggeration (totally discounting any occasion where your mate may have done something differently or positively), but these words discourage both of you from believing that change is possible. Why try, if it’s doomed from the start?

Step 13

Find middle ground. Healthy relationships involve making sacrifices for the good of another person. This isn’t a competition or a battle to the death. Better for both of you to compromise and get part of what you want, than for one of you to be completely defeated.

Step 14

If a fight gets too heated, take a time-out to cool off. Be sure to come back to it soon (preferably the same day). You don’t want to push it to the back burner just so it can boil over again later.

Step 15

Make a resolution for next time. If this issue was important enough to make the sparks fly this time, agree in advance of how you will address it the next time it pops up. This way you already have a plan in place, you don’t have to over-react in anger, and there are no ugly surprises.

Step 16

If you have a recurring fight that never seems to get resolved, trying discussing it with a marriage counselor. A fresh perspective from a third party can be very helpful in getting to the root issue, and creating a plan to work on together as a team, not as adversaries.